Jon Dunmore, 17 Jun 2007.
Star Wars 30th Anniversary Special Feature.
A New Hope to NO Hope.
Considering the crass ineffectualness of
the Empire's military troops, we wonder whether Lucas called them stormtroopers
to conjure foreboding images of the well-oiled Nazi war machine - or to poke satirical
fun at the Nazis. One step to the left and they'd be Keystone Cops. (Rescind that
order: if they take one step to the left, they're liable to trip over like dominoes.)
only mob of troglodytes more ineffectual than the bargain-basement Imperial Stormtroopers
would be those inept pointy-headed droids from Episodes I, II and III.
much as I denigrate the American army for being a clutch of bull-headed, Aryan
man-droids, they are trained and inculcated to Live But To Serve so solidly that
they are a chillingly efficient killing machine. (The fact that they kill without
personal or political discretion, and the fact that most of them become the genocidal
outlaws they are ostensibly trying to eradicate, is another talking point entirely.)
if (as Wookieepedia informs us) "stormtroopers served as reminders
of the Emperor's power, extensions of his will, and a method of keeping the Empire's
thousands of star systems in line through fear" (snigger until snot comes
out nose), does it count when in Episode IV - A New Hope stormtroopers
break into the Death Star control room searching for C-3PO and R2-D2 and one of
them clanks his head on the lowered door?
like Jerry Lewis.
it count as "fear tactics" when stormtroopers, watching Obi-Wan battle
Vader with Luke firing on them, run INTO the line of fire just so one of them
could get shot and fall into the pit like an ass? Ever heard of "taking cover"?
guys could blanket-laser a gang of rebels running down a ten-foot wide corridor
and never hit anything except the corridor.
they report to Vader, they are the only ones who have no fear at all that Vader
will kill them for their inefficiency - because even Vader knows that in any given
upcoming battle, they're going to die anyway, either by blaster fire or by tripping
on a twig or being pushed by a girl.
it any wonder the Rebels are winning?
Compiled by his High Lord Darth Egregious Slapstick.
# 1: Come to the Dark Side of The Force.
# 2: Serve the Empire without question. There's shiny. And there's stormtrooper
# 17: Keep your suit well-ventilated.
(Note: When a Rebel scum knocks you out
and wears your armor to infiltrate Our security sectors, We do not want reports
of smelly suits.)
# 18: Keep your eye-shields clean. The last time an infiltrator stole a stormtrooper
suit, there were complaints that "I can't see a thing in this helmet."
(The stormtrooper whose suit was stolen was reprimanded and assigned to Traffic
Control on Tattooine.)
# 22: Run like a girl.
# 145: Thou shalt not kill.
(Note: This directive does not pertain to choice
or free will, but was an addendum to the Training Manual when it was discovered
that stormtroopers couldn't kill anything even if they TRIED to. The stormtrooper
who killed the single Ewok in Episode VI: Return of the Jedi was severely
reprimanded and demoted to Guard Duty on Tractor Beams.
When the Ewok was found alive, working in a fish n' chips shop in East London,
the stormtrooper was reinstated to full duty as a Forest
Stormtroopers: trained to be pushed by girls.
BATTLE TRAINING TACTICS:
general hand-to-hand combat, which focuses on how to fall correctly when thrown
into another stormtrooper, your battle training will involve:
Blindly in Any Direction:
To be used when startled by Rebel scum on the
Death Star, or during surprise surround attacks on the forest moon of Endor. Marshalling
your forces in a coordinated military stratagem is not encouraged as this may
give the Rebel scum ideas.
You'll be doing it soon.
Falling Into Pits:
an Antagonist up to Half your Strength:
Forget it. It can't be done.
On an Enemy:
Stand anywhere, in any position when firing on an enemy. Hold
blasters in right or left hand, at any height. Fire away. Do not aim. Do not seek
cover. Do not form a phalanx of coordinated firepower, and especially
do not hit anything, as per Directive # 145.
1) pushed into another stormtrooper and getting knocked unconscious
earns you the rank of Captain.
2) pushed into another stormtrooper and NOT
getting knocked unconscious means you get to go home early.
3) If an Ewok does
the pushing, you get danger money, so please be sure to note this on your time
card accordingly. (Please see Ewok Pushing for further
4) Falling down WITHOUT being pushed will see you brought up in
front of the Darth Slapstickus Commission for a state dinner and award ceremony.
Military Training: When under attack by teddy bears, run in any direction.
Military Training: Stay out in the open.
FIGHTER PILOT TRAINING:
(Twin Ion Engine) are specifically designed by the Empire to make a noise which
resembles hand-held Dustbusters in the vacuum of space; aerodynamically designed
to hit anything head-on and disintegrate for maximum safety, the Imperial TIE-Fighter
is an extension of the stormtroopers' fear tactics: the galaxy fears property
destruction whenever they hear that familiar Dustbuster noise and it's not cleaning
day - fear that We'll crash near them and explode on them. (It matters not why
they fear Us - fear is fear.)
The Empire is not exactly sure how to measure firepower in a TIE-Fighter,
as most of it is shot wildly into space and hits everything except enemy spaceships.
The frequency of destroying one X-Wing Rebel scum fighter to every thirty-thousand
TIE-Fighters and ten star-destroyers means that the Empire requires consultants
to advise Us on how to bureaucratically report this fact.
VISION: The TIE-Fighter is designed for close proximity combat, therefore
the Empire has strategically removed ALL peripheral vision (and most of your direct
vision up to a 70-degree angle in every direction) by installing two large hexagonal
solar panels on either side of the cockpit, to encourage pilots to use The Dark
Side of The Force while dogfighting.
Many strategic combat designers advised
that the solar panels would be better suited on long-range cruisers or medical
frigates and that small fighters that required maneuverability and needed to take
evasive action at a second's notice would be better served with power engines
and all-round visibility like the Rebel scum's X-Wings. The Empire killed those
designers for their insolence. Why pay lip service to a Dark Religion if We can't
show the Rebel scum that We mean it?
Also, the solar panel contractor
told Us that without the panels, the ships can't fly, and it was either that or
join the Navy. Since there are no oceans in space, the Empire was not fooled and
bought the solar panels instead.
OUT OF CONTROL: Easily the most popular course in TIE-Fighter training, invented
by Our Great Lord Darth Vader Himself at the Battle for the Death Star (circa,
a long time ago), this fanciful maneuver can be effected by the merest touch of
the "Spinning Out of Control" button on the control panel right, clearly
marked for easy access, especially during dogfights with Rebel scum, or while
waiting for your hamburger at the drive-thru. After all, Spinning Out of Control
means nothing in the 360-degree gravity-less vacuum of space - unless an incompetent
director (I didn't say "George Lucas" out loud, did I?) places a spinning
camera in your cockpit to make it seem like Spinning Out of Control is actually
Stormtrooper pilots who do not hit an asteroid, a landing bay or another TIE-Fighter
within their first 100 hours flying time are assigned infantry jobs.
are you, Bob?"
"Right beside you, Phil."
in back of you, Bob."
"I thought that was Phil."
Involves standing lazily in the general area of a tractor
beam and not paying attention to it in case someone is sneaking around behind
Just stand there idly at the spaceship's entrance
ramp. Do not stand at attention, as this may cause a bad back. If a scanning crew
asks for help from inside a suspicious ship, there can't possibly be any chance
of a trap, so saunter inside with your guard completely down.
At the first sign of trouble, get on your anti-grav bike
and flee. No sense in trying to help your fellow stormtrooper - if he's worth
his salt as a stormtrooper, he's already dead from being punched by someone of
Stormtroopers stationed on planets searching for refugees
are a breed apart. (Case in point: that business on Tattooine - "These aren't
the droids we're looking for
Move along.") The Empire specifically
assigns its p.f.c. Academy Trainees to the task, so that any mind-probing by Jedi
Masters does not mentally damage Our more salient troops, who are reserved for
patrolling the corridors of Death Stars and Star Destroyers. Empire critics take
issue with this practice, citing the growing number of refugees with merely nominal
Jedi mind tricks slipping past the weak-minded patrol-troopers. The Imperial solution
to this problem is to weed out these critics and have them psychically strangled
by the resident Darth Lord.
On Alert For Droids:
When the alert is out for "two droids" and
you break into a control room and find two droids, stand guard at the door, but
let them pass if the shiny one asks nicely.
Actively Seeking Droids:
Standard Operating Procedure for sweeping suburban
dwellings seeking droids:
1) Knock on the door.
2) If the door is locked,
try the next one.
3) If someone answers the door, ask to do a search - while
doing a search, remember to "spread fear" by knocking over a lamp or
terrifying aspect of Stormtrooper guards: legs apart, legs together, at attention,
at kind-of attention - it doesn't matter, it's terrifying anyway.
Upon signing up
for Blaster Training Academy, the Empire will determine firstly whether you can
shoot a blaster. If you can't - continue with the course. If you DO hit anything,
you will be dishonorably discharged from the Academy, as it is not your place
to go embarrassing the veteran stormtroopers who have never hit anything except
background props their entire lives.
BLASTER CONTROL SETTINGS:
It should be obvious what this setting can do, but it has never been discovered
whether this setting works because, historically, stormtroopers are the only military
troops of any faction in any galaxy who have never hit anything ever. A study
was done in the pre-Clone era of corridors and control panels that were hit by
random blaster crossfire and it was discovered that this setting would in fact,
kill an organism up to the size of a baby Ultimbaya (if its head was tilted to
Only during the Stun setting can stormtroopers
hit anything, as the switch in this position balances the blaster correctly and
allows for wind direction. (Special Dispensation: When firing on ersatz Princesses,
on the off-chance that you hit one, Amendment VII to the Galactic Battle Code
informs that you must always remind your troops that "She'll be alright!"
in a sing-song voice like a freakin' dummy.)
Most Imperial stormtroopers are issued blasters with this
default setting. Due to insufficient training, many of them cannot figure how
to get the switch to any of the other various settings on this versatile machine.
Some troops accidentally leave their blasters on this setting,
which accounts for those embarrassing times when they've been ten feet away from
their targets without a hope in the world of hitting them. (To whit: when C-3PO
and R2D2 walk across a ten-foot wide corridor through crossfire; when rescuing
the princess in a five-foot wide cell-block tunnel; when Han chases stormtroopers
around a corner; when Luke is at the lip of the precipice before the door slams
down.) Some of the more rascally troops like to apply this setting name to female
nymphomaniac stormtroopers who are assigned the single rear position in marching
formations. (see: Synchronized Jogging.)
This is a very assertive setting on the blaster and in no
way compromises the sharpshooter talent of some stormtroopers, who opt for this
setting to take the stress out of all that goal-oriented "aiming" like
the Rebel scum.
The safety switch on blasters takes three full Bespin minutes
to turn off, which accounts for why many stormtroopers, surprised by the sudden
appearance of Rebel scum, do not immediately raise their blasters and fire. The
need for safety switches was identified when too many stormtroopers were shooting
each other by accident, due to their ineptness at weapons handling, before stringent
training methods (such as this Manual) were implemented. Now the Empire can safely
claim that stormtroopers only shoot each other by accident on purpose.
Stormtrooper with his Blaster set on Miss On Purpose.
When chasing droids,
Wookiees or actors on a higher pay scale, adopt a slow canter, with no urgency,
blasters at the ready, set to Kill or Miss Continuously. Firing blasters into
the background props is greatly encouraged.
If Rebel scum turn around
to fire on YOU, do not seek cover, as your armor should be more than enough protection
against the - UPDATE STOP PRESS UPDATE - Due to new tests on stormtrooper armor
proving how ineffective it is against Rebel scum blasters, the Empire has been
informed by Our consultants to issue this new press release regarding Article
2 in Chase Scenes:
If Rebel scum turn around to fire on YOU, do not seek
cover, [incriminating passage on armor-protection removed to avoid litigation]
ragtime soundtrack (Benny Hill soundtrack will suffice).
MARCHING IN FORMATION:
in formation means walking in the same direction. Do not try to match your stride
to the stormtrooper next to you. That would be redundant in a highly-trained military
unit such as this.
When given the order to "Go that way!" run
in the general direction that the captain points; do not pause to consider asking
where your destination is or what you are "going that way" to look for.
Live But To Serve. Again, We stress, do not run in lockstep as this may confuse
the Rebel scum into thinking the Empire is efficient and cause them to stop rebelling,
which would of course mean the loss of Our jobs.
jogging should not be synchronized; in-step or out-of-step, it doesn't really
matter. Just run in the same direction please. Run in groups of two, with one
stormtrooper bringing up the rear, and running like a girl. (See diagram.) (Also
refer to Miss Continuously setting on Blaster.)
synchronized slow jog INTO enemy blaster fire earns you a Congressional Medal
of Honor. If you fall down without even being hit by blaster fire, you get a special
commendation. (See also: Being Pushed, Clause 4)
Jogging: in pairs, showing last jogger bringing up rear, swinging arm like girl.
Ewoks, being the savage
species they are, engage in pushing over stormtroopers in myriad ways. Swinging
from trees is a favorite way to uproot the unwary stormtrooper in a slow jog/chase
(see diagram) and is a terrifying shock to the Empire troops caught in the cross-swing
of a brutally vicious Ewok push. Most stormtroopers ravaged by the ferocious Ewok
species are sent to recuperate on the oasis world of Goomby-Toomby-Boomby and
are attended by specialists in P.T.E.P. (Post Traumatic Ewok Pushing.)
patrolling or repulsing Rebel scum on the forest moon of Endor, be on the lookout
for these other methods by which the mighty Ewoks bring down our deadly efficient
Imperial stormtrooper units:
> swinging logs
> making a noise and confusing us
using small branches to poke us, up to medium-sized branches and some branches
with the leaves still on them.
> pushing hard
> pushing VERY hard
sneaking up behind us when we're not looking
> using concerted attacks of
three or more of them ganging up on one stormtrooper, which is very unfair
using rocks as big as my sister's fist.
pushed by an Ewok, the most sensible battle strategy is to scream "aagh"
and fall down in the soft grass. Roll a couple of times for effect and then allow
yourself to be hit by small clubs that shouldn't technically even be felt under
your armor. So don't forget to wear your armor. (See Armor Disclaimer on page
438 of your Imperial Contract.)
fighting force - brought down by a teddy bear.
you would like to apply to the Imperial Stormtrooper Academy, let us know and
the Empire will make arrangements for your untimely death from falling down a
shaft or being shot on your armor.
Imperial Press (Galactic Empire)
First Publication date: a long time ago ©
Darth Vader, Darth Sidious, Darth Dismemberment, Darth Slapstickus, Darth Distractionist.
rights reserved. No part of this Manual may be reproduced in any form, Galactic
language or mind transferal without the prior written consent of the Imperial
Galactic Empire, Keystone Division.
May The Dark Side of The Force be
WORD COUNT: 2,500
Added: 2007, JUN 17