They say he's from Hell – now is that the Christian version or the ancient Jewish version? Or the Greek version, or Nordic, or Moslem? Why, there are as many versions of Hell as demons from there. But enough about George Bush Junior.

This movie is a classic example of hype over-riding content. I am as big a fan of comics/graphic novels as the next geek-cheese, but I am a bigger fan of well-made movies, and Hellboy, for all its glitz and glam-blammo, is not a well-made movie. "Beige" is a suitable adjective, for though it looks fine (the costuming, set dressing, cinematography are without fault), the stunted attempts at humor, romance and plot construction leave the viewer slightly crestfallen.

For example, it was not made clear at all that THE Rasputin was the monk attempting to open the gates of hell with special effects. This doesn't make for an effective foreshadowing device if this same character turns up later and we are unclear as to who he is.

Then there are the large gaps in continuity, as when Hellboy and his goth chick are cornered by Too-Much-CGI and she uses her power of fire-starting to defeat the CGI – suddenly we are in another sewer-like lab with Hellboy strapped down and the fate of the universe in the balance – wha-? Apparently, Hellboy's brick fist plays an important role in unlocking some gateway to Huge Savings or something and Rasputin wants to be the first in that door.

You lost me.

There were many scenes which brick-walled in this manner and I was sure that somewhere along the way, all would be explained to my Pre-MTV consciousness. But my hopes that that would happen were dashed when about five minutes before film's-end, a gargantuan entity which had nothing to do with previous creatures, villains, plot or character development – but everything to do with throwing superfluous special effects at the viewer in a last-ditch attempt to have them exit the film with a hellishly-unnecessary image burned into their neo-cortexes – grabs Hellboy and quickly gets killed by his big gun. That event proved that this movie was made for a demographic still conversant with transforming robots into trucks. And I knew I would get no explanations…

The characters invoked no sympathy from me. As far as I'm concerned, Anthony Daniels should sue the fish-guy character. And I find it hard to believe that Selma Blair was the best they could come up with for the clinically-depressed goth chick – why, the casting call should have turned up thousands of this species in Orange County alone. The young detective was a formless puddle. John Hurt tried, I'll give him that. And Rasputin chewed some scenery.

Granted, Ron Perlman was the only person on earth who could have pulled off the lone, laconic, lantern-jawed Hellboy, and his tale is one of Grande Concept. It was just not executed terribly well.

There are intimations of deeper messages, such as teen alienation and social outcasting, but they are not dwelled upon, and one of these "teen-love" scenes between Hellboy and his goth chick is one of those non sequitur brick walls.

There were many reasons the movie lacked a sense of grand scale, one of them being Hellboy's major battles against creatures which were simply unimportant cogs in some other being's master plan. There were many replications of one single creature, which resembled a triceratops with a medusa's head, Hellboy having to chase down and fight a lot of them. Consequently, he seemed to be making no headway whatsoever and it didn't give the audience a sense that he was moving up a progressive ladder of evil, soon to face the Inglorious Mastermind behind the Grand Plot. It gave us a sense that we should have seen the matinée for three bucks less.

Also, I think the Long Leather Coat thing has run its course as Hard Guy Haute Couture, fellas…

END